"...Let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth." - 1 John 3:18

SAGE's focus for November is embracing our family members with a Christ-like love. I thought I might try to help those parents who want to shower their children with love, but whose children might not be ecstatic at that prospect.

What I've found in my counseling practice is that parents generally try to show love to their children using one of the methods outlined below. I'll explain why these methods should be avoided as a means to your child's heart.

1) GIFTS/MONEY - Giving gifts is so temporary. Yes, the child is thrilled when they get the gift, and perhaps for days after, but this is very much a band-aid solution. Children catch onto patterns, and can easily use guilt and manipulation just to get a parent to buy them something else.

2) EXPANDED PRIVILEGES - This would be a parent's attempt to be cool. They think if they can come across as nonchalant, then their child will open up to them more or respect them for their coolness. Reality does not support this. The later you let them stay up/go out or the longer you let them watch TV/play video games does not correlate with warm fuzzies toward the parent. The more realistic outcome would be for the child to take the rope they're given and hang him or herself with it later.

3) LACK OF DISCIPLINE - Letting a child get away with things with no repercussions is to do them a disservice in the worst kind of way. Children need the boundaries that rules present, and when they break a rule, there needs to be an age-appropriate consequence for it.

4) ALLOWING THEM TO SLACK OFF - Letting a child "off the hook" from chores, grades, dating relationships, friends, or curfew is the beginning of the end. Taking away their responsibilities or your expectations of the child because you're trying to appear softhearted is only a recipe for them taking advantage of it.

5) MAKING THE CHILD THE PARENT'S CONFIDANT - Parents should keep in mind appropriate conversations to have with their children. Children are not "peers." They don't need to be privy to anything more than appropriate for their age level. It's a mistake to think that more adult-like topics brought up will make the child feel more important, and therefore, more loved.

So now that you know what not to do, here's a few things you could try instead:

1) TIME - Being available really speaks volumes to a child, even if during that "available time," nothing of any real import transpires. Children need to know that even when they're acting up, being defiant, or worse, being angry and rude, that their parents are there for them. Be careful not to pepper your child with questions when you're together. I know you want to connect, but let it be on their terms.

2) PRAYER - With or without the child, this is an essential.

3) FORGING NEW TRADITIONS - in a difficult relationship, shaking things up can be a turning point. Suggest traditions that match your child's demeanor, like movie night with pizza, game night, or going through old picture albums reminiscing. Think creatively. Even a trip to find the coolest item in Wal-Mart for under $5 will help forge a bond and won't break your budget.

Jeannie Campbell is a Christ-follower, wife, mother and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, in that order. She got her masters of divinity in psychology and counseling from New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary and her bachelors in psychology and journalism from The University of Mississippi. She's a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors and American Christian Fiction Writers. In her spare time, she writes feature articles for magazines and local newspapers and blog posts for The Character Therapist. Email Jeannie.