It's been nearly a year now, but I miss her like she died yesterday. Grieving my friend's sudden death at the hands of a careless driver intrudes many of my quiet moments.  Moments that I used to spend solely praising and thanking God, soaking in His Word in the early minutes of the day are now mixed with confusion, frustration and questions.  Why would God take her so young with so much life left to live here on earth and four little hearts that are now left without their mama? No easy answers come as I sit intently listening. No explanations and no changing the timeline of the past to make her alive in this world again.

I know God is okay with my questions.  And I know He is okay with my anger toward the driver, at Him, and at the enemy. He patiently listens to my questions. He quietly watches while I search His Word for answers. Some days I need to be sad. Others days I need to read what others think who have traveled this path before me. Sometimes I need to wrestle with the deeper theological questions that arise - how did we end up in this messed up state? Is God really sovereign? If so, why did He allow this all to happen?

None of my thoughts or emotions, new angles or hypothesis can change the reality that she is gone...and I miss her.  And as the months roll by I find He is asking me if I can trust Him with this one really hard thing. He gently whispers into my grieving heart, "There are many things you can praise me for, and this one thing to trust me with."  Granted - this is a BIG thing.  We all have them, some have many more than one.

My heart finds direction from King David.

Psalm 55:22a says, "Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you" (NASB).

The picture I get is as ancient as the verse, a camel kneeling down and rolling the burden off its back. It has been a long journey and it feels immediate relief and freedom from its load. By rolling that burden from my heart onto His and trusting Him to carry it, I can experience that same lightening. The grief is still there, but my heart is a little lighter as I no longer try and figure it all out.  As I exhale my questions and anger and inhale acceptance, I find I can praise Him with the next breath...and in the praising I find healing.

Trusting Him, laying that burden at His feet, is as simple some days as choosing to praise Him. I have a choice - focus on praising Him for what He has done, or continue to question Him for what He didn't do...my way. If I am honest with myself, it comes down to that. I'm not trying to escape the grief or ignore it.  There are days I lean into it more than others.  There are days I lean into Him more than others.  But when I look up from my grief I see I have to keep going. I'm still here with a life that needs to be lived.  And I'm finding that it is a little easier to keep going when I lift my praises to Him along with my sorrows.  He is standing there waiting, ready to receive both from me.

When you walk from the bright sunshine into a dark room, for a few moments it is hard to see anything. Grief is that dark room. At first the darkness is overwhelming, and you literally can't see anything.  But slowly, as you remain in that dark room your eyes adjust and you realize there is light in there. You just weren't ready to see it.  As I focus on praising Him for what is going right in my life and trusting Him with the things that aren't, my eyes adjust a little more and I can see a few more beams of sunshine across the room.  More importantly, I can see He is in the room with me.

His Word is full of assurances that He is with me. I love the picture David gives in Psalm 23 of my Shepherd walking with me through the valley. His promise in John 16:33 brings comfort that even though we have trouble in this world, we should take heart for He has overcome the world.  This world isn't always going to be full of sin and death and the sorrow that follows.  He will come again to make things right. Until that time for the season I'm in, I'm praising Him for His blessings and trusting Him a little more each day with this one really hard thing.  And day by day the room grows a little brighter.

Sherry lives in South Dakota with her husband and three boys (5, 3, and 10 mos). She has worked for The Navigators for 13 years both at UW-Madison and now at SDSU. She and her husband direct the ministry work at the university. (She notes, "Mostly he directs and I wrangle our boys!") Their focus is on teaching students to be laborers for Christ for a lifetime through discipleship, Bible studies and evangelism training. She loves working with women on campus and training younger staff women that work with them. Writing is a growing passion for Sherry as she has been published in Focus on the Family and keeps a blog of their life and ministry. While she doesn't have a lot of time for other hobbies, Sherry does enjoy camping, reading and napping!