Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. (1 Peter 3:3-5a)

When I entered the dating game, it was as a spectator on the sidelines.

Don't feel sorry for me. I've had enough of that to last me an entire lifetime. I lamented my immediate lack of significant-otherness so much that I failed to see what God was doing during my waiting.

At the present, on the other side of happily married, I can see the benefit of those many years of waiting. Because while I waited, God stripped me of the notion that my outward appearance was the key to finding the man he had prepared for me.

I thought that if I dressed a certain way, had a certain haircut, had the right height-to-weight ratio...then I would finally look "good enough" for a boy to glance twice at me. Unhappily single, I got serious about dieting and exercising, and by college, I looked very different. No pudge. No frizz.

I thought my waiting was over. But Mr. Right never came. I had one disappointing encounter after another instead. A date that never got repeated. Phone calls that went nowhere. Nights where I cried myself to sleep, wondering what was wrong with me.

What I know now is that there wasn't anything wrong with me. God just wasn't done teaching me. He drew out my waiting period until I learned that all the outward adornment in the world wouldn't solve my "problem" of singleness.

I had to come to the conclusion that God was in control. I had to put my hope in God in order to make myself beautiful. The above verses don't mean that outward adornment is sinful, but if they take your focus off God, if your inner beauty takes a seat to your outward beauty, then it is wrong.

Inner beauty is a sense of demureness, of humility and quietness, that appeals not only to God the Father, but also to good Christian men. This is not to say that I wasn't my complete, extroverted self. I was. I had good laughs and spoke my mind. Being modest while waiting on God's timing is more of how you present yourself to others.

Even the secular world recognizes the benefit of modest waiting in dating. In Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider's book, The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right, Rule #1 is to "be a creature unlike any other." To quote their website, "Being a creature unlike any other is really an attitude... It's the way you smile... listen... look."

In other words, for me, it was a way of not looking like I was on the hunt for a man....because I no longer was! My husband and I met across the sanctuary. I was singing in the praise team, and he was little more than a blip on my radar (and that was because he was in the full dress blue uniform of a Coastguardsman).

I was focused on God, which prompted my future husband focus on me.

If you want to encourage your daughters in this area, here are some suggestions.

1. Teach them scriptures they can hide in their heart, whether their heart is broken, searching, or weary from the wait. Two of my personal favorites are below.
   
   
   • Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:4)
   • "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)
2. Build your children up. Young girls need to hear that they are beautiful, desirable. Fathers in particular can make a big impact on their girls' self-esteem.
   
3. Give them the time and space to talk about their emotions, especially during the teen years. Don't be upset if they don't choose to disclose their innermost thoughts to you. The important thing is that it's therapeutic for them to express these thoughts and feelings.

Jeannie Campbell is a Christ-follower, wife, mother and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, in that order. She got her masters of divinity in psychology and counseling from New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary and her bachelors in psychology and journalism from The University of Mississippi. She's a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors and American Christian Fiction Writers. In her spare time, she writes feature articles for magazines and local newspapers and blog posts for The Character Therapist. Email Jeannie.