"I just started dating someone, and so far all we've done is hold hands. I know we're not supposed to have sex, but how far is too far?"

Dear SAGE Girl,

As we travel the country, this is probably the question we get asked the most. While some people might think "how far is too far" is a great question to ask, it stems from a completely wrong motive. When asking "How far is too far," we are really asking how far can we go without getting in trouble or how close can we get to "the line" and still be "pure." That presents another question: "What is the line? Is it hugging, holding hands, kissing, kissing for over 30 minutes?"

Do you see how asking "how far is too far" merely leads to another series of unanswerable questions? We often hear, "Sex outside of marriage is the only thing the Bible is clear on...everything else is a gray area." In fact, it is quite the opposite. Purity is an issue of your heart and mind. The Bible has a lot to say about the topic of purity. If you don't believe us, research for yourself. (You can start by looking up the word purity, holy, or blameless in a concordance - you might be surprised at the amount of scripture you find).

1 Peter 1:13-15 says:
"Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as He who called you is holy, so be holy in ALL YOU DO, for it is written:  'Be holy, because I am holy.'"

Our mission should be to be more like Jesus. He is Holy, so we are to strive for the same. Holy is another fancy word for pure, meaning spotless or unblemished. When you start letting this verse resonate in your life, you will begin to see purity through the eyes of Jesus. The question that we should be asking is, "How pure can I be?"

The challenge is to move from a mindset of "what is the line and how close can I get to it" to beginning to see "the line" as Jesus Christ. Begin to see how close you can get to Him, rather than any physical boundary. When we start to view purity as getting closer to Jesus, we are preparing our minds to be self-controlled. If you are pursuing Jesus, focusing on things of Him, and asking Him to take control of the area of purity in your life, you will begin to feel freedom in a new and fresh way.

Side note: If you feel as if you have already gone "too far" in the past or struggle with the issue of purity, remember that God can forgive and restore you. You might consider talking to your girl's minister or trusted mentor more about this. There are also some book recommendations about the topic of purity, but before you read any book, go see what the Bible has to say about this topic and how it applies to your life. Then use these books as supplements.

Recommended Reading:

Passion and Purity: Learning to Bring Your Love Life Under Christ's Control

And the Bride Wore White: Seven Secrets to Sexual Purity