Three Fundamental Needs of Today's Teenage Girls
By Kristy Lohr
As humans, we all have needs. We all have the need for food, water, air, shelter, etc. Some have the need for speed, the need for wealth, and other more questionable needs. In my experience with teenage girls, there are a few fundamental needs that are almost always present regardless of race, culture, socioeconomic background, parental influence, denominational affiliation, or life experience. While not affecting the presence of a need, these factors will play a large role in how a girl handles and strives to meet her needs. But across the board, the needs themselves are relatively the same. I believe that most abnormal behavior and poor choices seen in teenage girls are a result of unmet needs. This article will focus on three specific needs found in teenage girls and assist you in identifying problem areas that may lead to future struggle.
1) First is the need to be loved, accepted, and believed in. I believe this need to be present in all human beings. God created us for fellowship with Him, yet we were also created as relational beings. Therefore, there is a part of each of us that longs for connection with others. Adolescents will follow and become part of the social group that demonstrates love, acceptance, and faith in them because of this deep need.
Ideally, we were made to fill this need with an intimate and personal relationship with Jesus. When this takes place, we still desire connection with others, but we are not left empty and rejected if that connection is not present. Christ becomes our foundation for forming other meaningful earthly relationships.
When teenage girls have an intimate and growing relationship with their Maker, they are able to cope with the stress in their life more effectively because they are rooted in the love and acceptance of God. This is not the case for most teenagers. Most teenagers do not have a solid, intimate, and growing relationship with God that provides this type of assurance. Most do not understand and grasp their worth to and in God. Most are still wrestling with believing they are somebody of value and that their life matters. Thus, they seek to find love and acceptance from places that are not beneficial and lead to hurt. It is the need to be loved, accepted, and believed in that drives many teenagers to drugs, alcohol, eating disorders, depression, sexual immorality, poor dating relationships, and other maladaptive behaviors.
How can we show teenage girls that they are loved, accepted, and believed in? First, it begins in the home. Young people need to hear from their parents that they are worthwhile. They need to hear, through word and deed, that they are loved. They need encouragement. They need you to demonstrate that you believe in them. If you notice a student that appears to be struggling, encourage her and ask her parents to do the same. Find something that she is doing well and acknowledge that to her.
Outside of the family unit, teenage girls also need to receive the same message from church leaders, members of the congregation, and participants in the youth group. However, when a young person is not receiving love, acceptance, and encouragement from home, it is more difficult to communicate this message effectively to them in church. It takes time and patience. Students know they are loved when you invest your time in them. When you come to functions, teach a class, or participate in other activities, you are showing the teenagers around you that you love them and that they are worth your time. The more you show interest in their lives, the more they will feel loved, accepted, and valued. I believe that any time an adult is able to increase the self-esteem of a teenager, God is glorified. He longs for His creation to grasp that they were worth the death of His son.
Encouragement builds and strengthens one’s character. Encourage those around you today – young and old.
2) Second is the need to be heard and understood. Adolescence is a period of extreme change and adjustment. Your body is developing and changing in ways that you can’t stop or control. At the same time, your emotional and psychological components are developing and moving toward adult-like capacities. You are no longer a child who must aimlessly follow, yet you are not an adult capable of leading and holding all responsibility. You are no longer simply an extension of your parents, but you are not an independent person either.
Adolescence is a time of discovering your own voice and refining your character. It is figuring out who you are and want to be. It is the beginning of separation from your parents, which naturally brings both fear and excitement. These changes cause immense struggle for individuals and families during the adolescent years.
This struggle can be masked in rebellion, poor choices, or simply in emotional distancing. The heart of this war is not defiance, but independence. Because of these changes and the stress this time period can cause, it is important that adults take the time to consider all that is going on in the lives of the youth around them. Take a moment to consider two things: the changes that occur as one makes the transition from childhood to adulthood and what that transition was like for you.
In the midst of the struggles and changes teenage girls are experiencing, there is a part of them that needs to know their voice matters. They need to feel that they are able to share their feelings and heart with adults that care about them without being judged. When working with youth, affirm them when they share their thoughts and opinions. Let them know that what they say matters – even when you may not agree with all they are saying. You can use phrases like, "I really appreciate you sharing that with me," "I am honored that you trust me with your thoughts," "I am so glad you feel comfortable telling me about what is going on in your life," and others. It is sending the message that their words have value. This itself provides encouragement.
And whatever you do, avoid saying "I told you so" when something undesirable happens. This fosters a feeling of judgment and closes the door for that individual to confide in you. You may see a poor situation coming a mile away, and may warn the person, and they may still choose that which you know to be wrong. The challenge then is for you to love, accept, listen, and encourage in spite of the mistake made. Love leaves room for growth and is available regardless of outcome.
3) Finally is the need for a role model. Have you ever wondered why it is natural for most girls to enjoy and participate in babysitting? Yes, there is a certain caretaking instinct implanted in us as females, but in my opinion, it is more than that. Teenage girls have a need for younger children to look up to them, enjoy them, and want to be like them. It makes them feel good about themselves. In the same way, most teenage girls have a longing for someone older to invest in them, enjoy them, and provide them with a tangible example of what they desire to be.
Often we grow up listening to sermons and Bible studies telling us we are to do this or that but lacking a tangible understanding of what "it" actually looks like. For example, you can read about marriage in the Bible all day long, but when you see it lived out it takes on a whole new and deeper meaning.
What I am saying is live your life in such a way that you would be proud to have the younger generation pattern their lives after yours because yours is focused on worshiping and glorifying God with all of your being. Yes, you make mistakes...we all do. But are the daily disciplines of your life honoring to God? Is it an encouraging or a fearful thought to think that a teenager you know wants to be like you? If you choose Christ as the center of your personal life, you will radiate outwards to those around you. You will find that others are drawn to you.
Recognize that teenage girls have a need to look up to someone. When you find that a girl is drawn to you, take time to invest in her. Be real, honest, and offer love to her. It is flattering to have individuals that look up to you. However, it requires that we keep ourselves in check and are cautious with our words and deeds knowing that we have the power to lift up or tear down.
I would also like to point out that often the ones who need a role model the most are those that either don’t have a solid foundation at home or struggle to fit in with other teenagers. Sometimes these are the girls that are hardest to love, yet they are the most in need.
You have the power to make a difference in the lives of those around you. Don’t let that pass you by.
